45th anniversary yesterday.

words of wisdom.

...BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

AND WHEN TOO MANY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO 1 PERSON.

THAT PERSON CAN EITHER...LOSE HOPE......

OR MOVE ON AND MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THEMSELVES.




never give up. find happiness.

xxx

tears.

so last night was my last night in l.a. i'm still here but not long. only less than 5 hrs. and 3 of those hrs are going to be spent in the airport.

[he] came by to say goodbye. of course that word was never uttered out of our mouths. we both teared up...more like me crying and everytime we deeply talk about the situation he tears up...i gave him the gift..the card w. sound he thought it was cute and the necklace w. the definition of love. he liked that one a lot =] he wore it on his wrist and said he's probably going to make it into his wallet chain. he gave me a picture of him with one of his kids [frm preschool don't worry lol] and since i had on v's sweatshirt (which he doesn't know i took and isn't going to know...sunny i know you're reading this) he left his scent on it. and can still smell even after wearing it to sleep. waking up to that smell just comforted me so much with him not actually being there even though it would be better. he was there to comfort me in my need last night and we just sat and held each other for a minute. basking in each other one last time until the next time we meet. it was sad. i got my last kisses in before the cockblocker showed up. i left my baby in the car so he had to come back and his face just made me light up even knowing that it was going to be a while before i ever saw that face again in person. he is a really special person to me and i will never forget him...i'll probably come running back into his arms when i return for christmas break. i don't wanna say i love him but i know that there is a very strong possibility that our strong like for each other can evolve into something greater.

"i was gonna hold you tight and not let go."
"i know it might be weird but it feels like i'm not complete."

letter.

dear boys :

u confuse us so. like to the point that we have to sit up until 3am grindin our teeth & splittin our fuckin wigs tryin to figure out whether or not u like us. sure. u always call when we don't expect it, but then other times u don't call at all. u love to be seen with us, & i mean, who can blame u. & yeah, u love to do all those "couple-y" things like loungin in bed on a sunday eve while watchin family guy. & yes, u did introduce us to all of ur cool friends because u wanted them to lvoe us just as much as u do. while that all seems lovely & wonderful, u kill it by talkin about how cute ur "girlfriend" is as uve got ur hands down our pants on the dancefloor. i mean, we WERE turned on, but there's no way we're gonna get it in with u (tonight) now. okay. yeah, we'll still do a lil harmless makin out with u in the bathroom, but don't add insult to injury by whippin ur cock out in my face while i'm squattin on the toilet. ew. what kinda sluts do u take us for? & why doesn't the word "consistency" exist in ur vocabulary? & yeah, it's only been a short amount of time, but when are u gonna open up & let us see who u really are? i mean, we know we don't know what we want, but we know that we want u to stop bein so fuckin dizz-bizz*.

bottom line, boys : either really lvoe us or leave us alone. . . .but just so u know, we hope that u choose to lvoe us instead of leave us cuz even tho ur confusin & retarded ur also really cute & cool.ya know.

just an f.y.i.heart, jack & camille. **argh lol.

*footnote : "dizz-bizz" is short for "dumb bones", which is some random term i came up with

**footnote : we had a very interestin tues nite w/ some very interestin fly guys who left us completely topsy turvy. this letter is all in fun w/ a 2% serious twinge to it. okay. maybe more than 2%, but i'm being a toughie right now.

. . .pssh!...these dumb boys better get it together. "don't they realize that black girls are in this year??!?"

i am

i'm happy .
i'm "everything in moderation" healthy .
i'm optimistic .i'm adored .
i'm in love with the idea of everything .
i'm constantly laughin .
i'm always dancin .
i'm addicted to posin for cameras .
i'm hard at work .i'm in control .
i'm enjoyin every single moment .
i'm goin with the flow .i'm takin my time .
i'm smilin for no reason .i'm meetin new people .
i'm content with rollin solo .
i'm demandin my respect .
i'm unconcerned with certain peoples' close mindedness .
i'm cool with not bein in the know .
i'm enamored with kissin again .
i'm inspired .
i'm takin no shorts .
i'm doin what i say i'm gonna do .
i'm demandin respect & givin it in return .
i'm finaly listenin to what isn't bein said .
i'm trustin my intuition .
i'm speakin my mind without raisin my voice .
i'm takin creative risks .
i'm walkin my own path .
i'm simply so .

whatever that means . . .

que?

"i'm worried about getting to know you we get one chance to see something beautiful inside and out."

soul mate?

Love..in [his] words

"willing to go that extra mile for that person...also caring about them..u just have that gut feelings...u just know they mean a whole lot."

feelings

can ur feelings be wrong ?hypothetically speaking , when u break up with someone for ur own personal reasons (the "it's not u , it's me" thing without being so situation comedy abt it) & they tell u that "ur reasons are bullshit" , is that even possible ? how & where do u find the nerve to call someone else's personal emotional consciousness "bullshit" ? i guess when ur the one doing the breaking up ur automatically the bad guy . dragged thru the proverbial mud by the person who called ur honesty & ur feelings "bullshit" . just wondering , cuz maybe i missed something . i was told to never apologize for how i feel . but um , thank god this is only hypothetical , yeah ?riiiiiiiight .ok . back 2 work .

idk..found it on j*davey's

he makes me write a journal entry every time i leave in a notebook he had lying around .why ? i'm not so sure . maybe he's trying to crack my code . maybe he's trying to get into my head so deep that it will drive me crazy in that bad but oh so good way . maybe he's waiting to sabotage me in the future with this intimate evidence like he did the others . i told him that the minute it's all over i'm taking the journal with me . he thinks i'm kidding & then criticizes the crazy things i write while i'm half asleep yet upright & pretending to function . he's never satisfied . i say , i'll never write another entry for you again , but he says one thing that completely slaps that proclamation outta my mouth . i hate it when he does that , but i drag myself to the journal every time & jot down the first thing that pops into my head upon reading his desired topic . "3 words u would use to describe me" . i picked 3 that started with the letter "i" without having to use that insanely huge unabridged webster's dictionary he keeps under his bed , covered my tracks , & waited all day for his response . i got the typical biting remark . . . biting only to hide his satisfaction . he . . . the one who is looking for perfection which is based on a long list of "this's & that's" which will probably not even matter in the long scheme of things . even he / she who has a million perfect options has to decide what's most important : conversation , connection , & honesty . with his vocabulary & my imagination the conversation was constantly flourishing . . . the connection was unforced & uniquely genuine that it seemed effortless . as for honesty , well . . . he loved to hear me say , "i don't care . do what u want" because of the hint of freedom it provided , yet he knew that maybe all of this brutal honesty would not allow me to fall as hard as he actually wanted me to . we played a great game of pretend & we both wanted the upper hand at all times . the occasional vulnerability provoked , "awwwws" & long pauses with silly grins & two eager minds filled with "what ifs" counteracted by "no don't do its" . we both set our own limits , or at least we tried to , but somehow we went from wee hour rendezvous' to dinners , dark corner conversations , & pillow talk minus the "pillow talk" , if u will , without missing a beat . &despite the disapproval of friends we played the role & kept making plans . calling me during the day just because . . . every night some new "thing" for us to explore together . . . calling each other by our real names . . . no longer confined to late nights , but now daytime visits as well . . . 2-3 nights a week turned into every other night which turned into every night which progressed into "please stay cuz i can't sleep when ur not here tossing & turning every 5 seconds" . insult after insult after insult kissed & made better by 2 pairs of lips so soft it was impossible to keep em off of one another . public & private became one in the same . if the walls & front passenger seat of the car could only talk . . . the double entendres . . . the silent exchange of innocently naughty glances from across the table . . . the constant denial of all these things because this is not what we intended to happen , so why give in to what seems so natural to fall for something we know could eventually break one of our hearts ? we've both willingly shared secrets that send any normal lover running for the hills , but somehow , knowing the worst abt each other is as endearing as knowing the best . "did u miss me ? " will never warrant a straight answer for fear of being stripped of one's "gangster" , so when would we ever be able to succumb to our hearts & tell each other that we're in love ? never . that's when . because this is our way of enjoying a vivid recurring dream that we pretend not to have even tho it feels like the real thing . . . . . . . . . so now u know why i love to sleep so much . just in case u were wondering .

www.missjackdavey.com

cool shxt.

niiice.

j'ai tendance a aller ca et la .
je ne suis jamais tout a fait sur si je devrais le mettre a execution .
entierement a la fin san reculement .
maintenant je suis savent que je suis pret a aller la distance .
j'ai trois semaines pour engager a l'idee du fait d'engager a l'idee .
je reviendrai sans reserve .
yes .
i mean , oui .

je serai finalement pret pour tout cela . . .. . . j'espere juste qu'il sent le meme .

monday

so even though mom was being a total cockblocker the night before i went out w. him =]
it was mucho divertido (fun..for the non-spanish speaking people)
picked me up around 1, went to go see mirrors [creepy ass movie]...although it was the first scary movie that i didn't scream in. yay me...maybe it was because he was right by my side. then after snuck into batman..didn't realize how long it was lol because i had seen it before [bomb ass movie!!!] but we ended up getting out around 6:30. wow 5 1/2 hrs. we both wish it could have been longer but he had to go pick up his mom from work.

we might hang out today after he gets off of work. hopefully. but like any other day, we talk from right when we wake up to the time we both fall asleep.

shitihatemylife. whydoihavetomove????


"around you is like a place of refuge i don't worry about anything...plus you are real ool to be around."

grrrr.

i'm so frustrated right now. maybe it's just another boy. maybe it might be the real thing. bt this seems so effortless. he's saying all the right things. its not game, it's him being real and i can tell. i jus know these kind of things. just my luck when i think i've found the right one or potential to be, something has to go wrong. oo i don't know, like me MOVING!! this shit is ridiculous. it's not like i even have a chance to test the waters and see how things work out. and i can't do the whole long distance thing...that's not me. but its just all soo unfair. why can't i just be legal and by my own place and pay my way for school out here.

he said i was his joy, i make him smile, he cares about me, and wants to get to know me inside and out. the plus side...he's a cutie. and i don't just mean external. the things he does jus make him so incredibly irresistable sometimes. he's so quiet and mysterious in his own way and i don't know how to fight it. i'm a sucker for love yet i've never even been in love before. i yearn to know what it feels like. to never want to be seperated from someone. to know that there is always going to be someone right there by your side. someone you can give your all to and receive the same in return.

i don't want to put my heart out on the line for it to just be broken when i leave, because the way my mom talks, she acts like we're never coming back. and i hate that tone like things will never be the same. she just doesn't understand the pressure of my life and what i have to go through. how is she going to tell me that i can come back and say goodbye to my friends the weekend after we move, then change her mind and say "you misunderstood me." no i didn't i have ears too. i know what i heard. and i just don't want to go. she can go on her own. i want to stay and be by my sister and the people who can't bear without me like i can't without them.

last week.

so it's my last week in los angeles. sad. don't want to go.
i want him to just take me away.

i'm getting attached dammit. i like him. there hasn't been anything like this. and of course just my luck i have to leave.

monday: ?? hopefully movies w. him
tuesday: melrose w. vernon
wednesday: dentist appointment in the morning
thursday: finally getting my hair done.
friday: go to airport at 11am, leave at 1...off to North Carolina.

it's been a while.

yeaa so a lot has happened. i don't really remember all of it excpet for key things.

• serra track girls party- shut down at 10:15, police came because someone pulled out a gun. at the double tree hotel..really??? ur dumb.
• mom's bday dinner- gpa let me drink..takes the pain away.
• went on a shopping spree! woo woo
• missed the olympics except for swimming and gymnastics. o and the 100m track race.
• spent the week in prison. woops i meant UCLA. had me on a friggin leash. told me when to eat, when to sleep, gave us "free time", might as well tell us when to take a dump. MY GOD.
• baldwin hills party- wayyyyy to crowded. couldn't move. had to run out back door of the house b/c ppl pulled out guns and started shooting. hid behind trucks/bushes and doodes pulled out hand guns and shot guns ready to have a shoot out. [scariest experience of my life]
• yard sale 2 days in a row from 7:30-2:30
• major kickback at zo's...can u say thizz?? i sure as hell can't. ppl don't know how to have real fun these days.
• saw my babe.
• saw vernon.
• finally bawled my eyes out....bound to happen.
• finally met kenton. haha one of thee most famous non-celebrity doodes in los scandolous.
• hung w. franklin and ry...can u say marriage???? hell yea.
• supposed to go on date..mom is a cock-blocker. aint that some shit.

nvm. guess i remembered it all =]

be afraid.

i am never fixing a root canal if i ever have one.
my aunt just told me her mother's friend's cousin...something something's daughter went to go get a root canal fixed..she felt tired when she got home, her mom told her to go lay down for a while. mom walked in and the girl was dead. WHAT THE HELLL????!!! i'm guessing that whatever was in that shot they gave her to put her to sleep or numb her had something that stopped her heart slowly but surely. what kind of crap is that?? don't that check medical records and stuff before they just stick something in someone's mouth???
that's just ridiculous to me.

i hope she sues.
be afraid. be verrrry afraid of the hospital. now you have a reason to.

sytycd

love him from season three.

081508

mommy's birthday...
don't know what's gunna happen.
she never wants to do anything
might go to dinner w. fam
might go out w. jade & bria...
depends on mama.

i wanna hang w. him before i leave.
i JUST met hiim and now we have to part.
he said he wanted to take it to another level =/
long distance relationships don't suit me.

epiphany.

major:
psychology//black studies

minor:
business//dance

research

yesterday i spent the day with aaryn and bro bro cj...went swimming and gave cj "the talk" lmao...well not quite but dang near, hung w. the fam...the whole shabang!

so me and aaryn have been doin a little bit of research...there are two malls [no forever 21], no black people [on myspace that go to my school], they dress five years prior than what we wear now [not good!!!]...so you kno what this means right??? 1) buy clothes BEFORE i get there. 2) hang w. bria & larry every weekend 3) find some attractive black boys in the area 4) make sure not to get caught up in the urban wear.

okay i know i sound superficial but these are crucial times in a teenage girl's highschool years. i have to survive somehow. o and i figured out that i can use the fone between 8-11 [txting wise] i would have to be up a little bit later to talk on the fone because supposedly it doesn't cost that much for long distance phone calls. i have to keep in touch with the friends as well as the cuties or else what am i gonna come back to on breaks??? i need something if north carolina can't provide.

and the school has a veryyy strict dress code. i say they just give us uniform and be done with it. that means i have to go out and buy polo's and turtle necks along with oxford shirts with slacks and dress shoes or ...i hate to say it...birkenstocks!!! ugh. although i will admit i used to want them back in the wildwood days when i wanted to be a hippie..then i figured out what weed was. =/ can you say live above the influence??

***********************************************************************************

for the past 30 minutes i have been searching for new books that i have to buy and this is utterly ridiculous. i'm taking the same classes yet i have to buy all new books except for ONE! how stupid is that??? the only good thing besides my best friend bria moving there w. her bf, is that they have a dance studio and an art studio...they have a dance team..but i'm a little skeptical on how my dancing is compared to there's on hip hop level lol and i still have to choose my sixth period...wonder what it'll be. it's between photography and art. probably will choose photography although i do want to better my skills in the drawing department. well whatever it is, it better be a good program.

it's like i'm coping with the fact that we're moving but whenever my mom talks about it i get all angry. i guess my philosophy or logic on it all is okay yes i can accept it, but that doesn't mean i have to talk about it. i can't show any excitement [trust me i'm not] or else she'll think it's okay to talk about the situation.


...that dog better be cute cuz it'll be my only friend.

devastating

so on Aug. 11, 2008. I found out the most devastating news i could ever think of. I'm moving...OUT OF STATE!!!!! leaving all of my friends, my school, hometown, everything and everywhere i know in this state is what i'm about to leave in 3 weeks. It felt so surreal. I didn't think it was true. I thought "this must be a joke, or a major dream cuz this seriously can not be happening." my best friends are here, the one's i confide in most, my job is here, where i get my money from, the hottest parties are here, where I get it jerk lmao, the beach is here, where i've had some of the greatest memories at, hollywood and glamour is here, where the latest fashion in the U.S. [besides NY] come from, the celebrities are here, where you see random people and the most random places. i'm trying to make the most of it but i know this is going to be a rough transition. me and aaryn play it off like i'm visiting every weekend, but we both know the truth. we both know all our connection is, is the telephone, myspace, and letters. i've lost people before and although i keep in touch with them, its not the same as seeing them in person almost everyday. especially your best friend/your sister. its going to be hard to break that bond apart. we were supposed to help each other survive this school year w. all the new changes. and this new change does not help at all.

celebs.

m.a.c. x heatherette

.

trace

8708

+ wings
shihan

mann. i'm sooo refraining from sitting the laptop onto my lap. well if you haven't heard there's some scientific explanation about how women and men shouldn't sit a laptop on them because it will make you sterile...i'm going to look into that later.

but yea so i've been reading a woman's blog (rebecca) and everytime i read it ( not in a stalker type of way), I want to thank her because sometimes the things she says is what i can't express and she says it in thee exact form and phrases that i would want to but wouldn't know how to.

+speechless
beyonce

how ironic (see above lol)
but i think i have this problem where i get so overwhelmed with my emotions that I don't know how to express myself when it seems most important. But when i'm being a smartass (which i'm working on) I can express myself very freely. I have an attitude problem and I need to solve it. Also, I was looking over my previous entry and I think i was...again overwhelmed with my emotions and overwhelmed with the fact of following everyone else since i've been told that I am very easily influenced. (another thing i'm trying to work on) but i had an epiphany and realized i need a break from guys and although i've said it before i'm just gunna wait for some person to "sweep me off my feet" although it's a mere fairytale i can't help but imagine. wat's the harm in that? but i did realize that what i'm really looking for is not a boyfriend but someone who's always there. someone who doesn't expect committment...not a boy toy or anything...not a fuxk buddy either cuz that's wrong on so many levels...i don't know...something less vulgar. like becca usually says this was totally not meant to be a girlish sounding entry. these are my thoughts that need to escape from my head or else they will be all i think about. when i talk about having "the one" or "someone special" i feel so co-dependent and i hate that. I jus want the most difficult thing to grasp in life. i think it's time for a metamorphasis.

can you say transformation?

080208

i just wanna take my time, take my time and become sublimed in your thoughts

thoughts that become a rush everytime you think of me. me and you and what we could be.

but it becomes a question to you if we should be. i wish for the best as you look left which is wrong, the opposite of right as you write down your thoughts of your confusion but they start to gather into profusion which all fuse into utter confusion to the max. You're maxed out like my bank account. and you become bankrupt. bankrupt and emptied from the energy that became destruct. abolished nd torn down, no longer in use cuz there's nothing left to use as it is withered and beheaded as the queen was when she shreaded her fear and looked at the future at what's near. but me, i'm encased in this case of reality. there's nothing stopping me but me. from you. i'm going to just push, not shove, myself to give me enough time. but at the same time go full speed and crash into your heart in a way that it will never get repaired but only with me will it be shared.

my personal dictionary

emotional=cry

i choose not to use that word anymore (cry) cuz it's sounds like i'm a wuss lol

soo...

i'm patiently...well anxiously awaiting for aaryn to get back. mann i miss her, she foreal my sis && it's been basically 3 weeks since i've talked to her...well besides goin to teen vogue. but today was eventful..nt really

• went to the homie bilal's house. cooked me chicken. first doode that's EVER cooked for me. take notes guys lol then took the bus...yes i said it...the bus (w. my saddity self lol) [i bet i'm the only girl that calls herself saddity lmao] to downtown culver city and met up w. the homie gage and met his gf FINALLY! dang feel i already kno the girl haha but she mad cool though. we both went hard on bilal lol; after WALKED to denny's which is allllll the way on overland and jefferson. my doode. that's a far ass walk. but yea we chilled out there until momz picked me up.
• got home grubbed on some bayou grill red beans and rice! NEW ORLEANS STYLE!! ish was bomb.
• talked to the brodie chris like always lol and finally talked to HIS gf [who had beef w. me yesterday cuz she thought i liked him..] but she mad coo too lol

dang...i don't wanna say it...and i hate the media for makin me say it..but i need a doode. more like want i guess. i jus see all the homies have gfs and they talk about they're in love...and that's a hard thing...or a rare thing to come across when you talk to a doode cuz usually girls think that they're players or jus not lookin for anyone but really they are and haven't found the right grl yet. but i jus want wat they have. i thought i had it before...didn't work out as planned and now they wanna get back together. considering it, but moms doesn't like him cuz he made me emotional.

that's another thing i don't understand. how is it that when a person is looking for a relationship, either they can't find one or they're not happy with it. but when a person wants to take a break from the whole relationship scene, they all come floodin at you. in the words of my mother.."that's usually how it goes." and its so true. i was thinking i would have time before i go back to school to just focus on me and getting my mind right for fall. but all these doodes tryna get at me that i don't even want. and some of the doodes that i think are cool peeps are either taken or they don't see me like that

i've always had this sayin...even wen i was little "why like a doode who doesn't like you back? it's a waste of time." and that's how i got over doodes so easily. and i still do. i jus want someone who shows up out of the blue, something that's not forced, o natural, like meet at a sports game or the mall or somewhere decent instead of parties or a friend tryna hook his homie up, who's genuine and down to earth but still wants to show off just a little but to impress me. i'm just old school like that. i wish they're weren't cell phones so i can have that feeling of waiting by the phone and so a guy can actually have the guts to call me instead of txting, aiming, or myspace. it's ridiculous. that's such an easy cop out. cuz nowadays doodes don't kno how to talk on the phone with grls. it's sad. "soooo....wat do you wanna talk about." doode. YOU called ME. you should have something cooked up in your book of lines.

to be continued...

how did i miss this??

i love american apparel thanks to aaryn =]
yet we seemed to miss the blowout sale[?]

celeb pics

brandy out on the town in l.a.



kelis (fav. person of all time =]) in the lax airport





steph jones (i think everyone should kno that i saw him at the grove..looks exactly like the pics :])



zoe kravitz..somewhere lol





soon to be celeb: tye of high end clothing (watch out for him =])