it's just not me.

it's like i've tried the whole glamorous life recently. i got acrylics, hair done every two weeks. buying affordable yet unnecessary clothes just because i could buy them if i wanted to. now it's just tired and old. just an hour ago i left the movie theatre from watching "good hair." wow it opened up my eyes. and it's crazy because I just had dinner with my friend S tonight and I was telling her how I just don't want to be fake anymore. no fake nails, no fake hair. just be me, literally. and after seeing this movie it just verified everything. i'm tired of worrying about tracks, or if my hair is straight enough. i'm tired of getting broken nails fixed and not seeing my own. it's time to go back to the old me. i thought this is what i wanted but i'm no glamour girl. But at least I can acknowledge it and correct what I recognize.

a lot of posts ago i was talking about slavery and the auction block. I feel as if women, let alone African-American women, are still put up on that very auction block. And you can't blame them, look at where they get it from; it's everywhere. From celebrities to their own mothers. That's what they're accustomed to: relaxers, texturizers, pressing combs, flat irons, and anything else that allows them to feel accepted. it's a security blanket. I know that for me it was especially because I convinced myself that longer was better. I told myself i could do more with it and not be questioned by my peers, who the majority are white. It was a way not to stand out and be noticed. Now, I feel that because it's everywhere, it's gotten out of control and black women aren't truly embracing who they really are. Now i'm not going insane to the point to say that all black women should get off the creamy crack because one it's not easy to do and two because most likely the hair is already damaged. but i really encourage everyone to see this movie, no matter what race, creed, color you are. because you can just get a better understanding of this issue at hand. it's really an eye-opener and also enlightening.

i must say i did walk out of there quickly before people could judge my hair. =/

so..

I came to a realizAtion. so I'm in north carolina. its officially been a week. lemme just say its been a long week. mom's overwhelmed. I'm tryna make the best of it. I feel like I've been eating my grandmother outta house and home lol..(old saying) if u don't get it it means that I feel like I've been eating everything n her house. this place is so much different than l.a. slower pace in all aspects. they walk like they don't have anywhere to go. well they don't. and they drive rediculously. bt I lost my aum symbol ring yesterday..prolly when I took off gloves for bio and today I lost my australian ring..idk wats goin on bt I had a realization that maybe this is just a sign for me to start over and not exactly forget the past bt start a new.

o today was my first racial encounter.

so I'm in study hall and some seniors are tlking and then this one chick asks "why do minorities get accepted to some colleges for the reason caucasians dnt?" I was thinking r u serious? while everyone else (all white) sayin "YEAAA!!" then she sed "yea they cn get into some school jus cuz they speak 2 languages. that's so unfair" I'm like wtf?! I hate how people cn be so smart yet so ignorant. and then the white boy chimes in saying "well rich people should just be able to jus get in w.out having to do anything. I mean since 'we' do make the rules and laws." that's ridiculous. I'm all for having an opinion and being able to debate about the topic bt that's just dumb. don't be stupid and let ur ego or want for supremacy stylistic mind lead u into stupidity.

good grief.

u kno that show exiled? well that's how I feel right now. in such a foreign land. u know minus the spoil brat part.

I'll keep u updated