hand in hand

this is from a fellow blogger that i truly do admire because of all her experiences she still manages to be sane and real. she reminds me of myself in a lot of ways which is probably one reason why i am addicted to her posts lol [no stalker status i swear] but i just thought that this post of hers was so moving; i just loved it.

i've started this post a million times and each time i start it, its a factual recount of what happened on my road trip, but writing about my experience that way seems forced and totally unlike the way i want it to sound. i'm starting to believe the only way to express what happened is to close my eyes, relive the moments and put paintbrush to canvas or cardboard in my case. i know exactly what the page will look like, it will be a flurry of colors and swirling lines. not unlike an acid trip.
i have obsessed and dreamt about what it would be like to meet the one person that knows all of my secrets, i came up with all types of scenarios. in true rebecca fashion though i imagined brendan being someone i grew irritated with and imagined our meeting ending in us severing our friendship. but we all know i do those things because happiness is foreign to me. but because i dreamt about that moment so much when the time actually came i was a blank canvas and didn't know what to expect.
now that the trip is over i've tried to remember back to that first moment, pulling into his driveway and seeing his face. i've tried to remember what exactly my initial thought was. and as random as it was all i could think is "wow he has really straight teeth." nothing else about his was foreign he looked exactly the way i imagined him, he smiled the way i thought he would. he was everything my mind couldn't comprehend. as cheesy as it sounds meeting him was like finally putting two halves together. everything else was irrelevant and i could only focus on the now. i don't know at what moment i realized that these feelings weren't strictly platonic. i mean i've had romantic thoughts about him before, but i never dreamt about expressing them to him or even acting on them.
...i don't know if i can do this, i'm selfish with my happy thoughts. i cannot write this with a rational mind. what i experienced was something that probably happens .oo1 % of the time.
each time i get down to the core of the trip, my heart starts to freak out and i lose all my rational thought.
i only spent 2 days with brendan after speaking to him for four years via the internet/phone and i have grown insanely attached to him. this post probably isn't going to help me detach from him but i feel like i need to be as honest as i can with myself.
i've been home for seven hours, away from him since 10:30 am July 26th and i still question whether all of this actually happened, but then i look at my bookcase and see his sunglasses perched on top of my books and i know it happened as fairytale like as it seems.
i'm going to kick myself for making this next statement, but it's the truth. i fell in love in two days, i have always loved brendan because our bond is unbreakable no matter what happens but laying in his arms at night melted every callous off my heart. i've applied each one back to my heart since i pulled out his drive yesterday but any mention of his name and they all fall to the floor and i sit silent for a minute reliving the past two days.
i would love to believe that one day brendan and i are going to be together and when i say it to myself my mind doesn't reject the idea, but it gently reminds me that the odds of us together are slim to none. i can't dream about it though, it's too far in the future for any semi realistic thought. i just find it ironic that every poem i've ever written about him has always stressed the fact that we'll be bonded forever. i've lived my life waiting for this moment and now that it's come and gone i can't help but wonder what the future holds for us. i've only been home for seven hours but im starting to force myself to imagine him in a healthy relationship with a girl he genuinely cares about- who isn't me. i know that day will come and i don't want to feel like someone knocked the wind out of my lungs when it does happen, so i'm forcing myself to go there to think about it. i'm not one to think about things such as "soul mates" but it occurred to me saturday night at 12 am, what if he is it? i mean they say that your soul mate is someone who've already met. he is the first guy i've ever met that silenced my disquieting thoughts. i just am when we were together. i didn't have to try to be myself or section my personality up i was myself in all my irrational rage.
i thought i lost the first collaborative poem we wrote together in 2006 but i found it. we both claimed our section wasn't about each other, but we lied. it so is about each other.

PB and J (Platonic Bodies Juxtaposed) 6/28/06

Brendan:
I see it this way
my outside was a hard shell
yours was supple skin
i began to melt as soon as i let you in
my rough texture was smooth by your caring hands to make me a better man
i know i've been kind of a nut but your scent puts a feeling in my gut i cant stand not to act on
i want to blend your sweetness with my brown tone
and just make it last forever
build a bed made from bread we made together
in the middle we'll spread
creating something so much better than individually
because both mentally and physically we've combined to make a masterpiece so true
i can't help but watch how you dance when you move
your love puts me in the mood
to give anything your heart desires until my heart expires
just for you
my love thickens
my passion so drink your attraction to wash me down with
cause you know i'll stick
i feel it too
while you whisper your feelings on delicious tones so sweet they make me stop and stutter
i only ask you to have my heart and be the jelly to my peanut butter.

rebecca (mine):
I admit i tried to seduce you with my moves because it was your shell i wanted to crack
and with each frac/ture
i planned for moments everlast
praying my sweet soul would find the spaces in the holes of our bread
and as i moved over places you moved underneath me
sealing off little cases of our chemical reaction
where no acting was required
see your mentally leave me burning with this desire
you're smooth brown tone can't even smother this flame
and i don't think i'll ever begin to tire of finding the bumps within your frame
as my skin grows sticky from perspiring
there is no denying the fate of our meeting
every love is fleeting but ours is based on more than feeling
mentally intertwined
chemical bind
physically mine
ive never been a temptress but i'm so sweet on you that i'd entice you twice just to be sure you'd be only mine
bonded for life
indelible
ours is a love time and others can't erase
this is no manufactured meeting
but a real connection where opposites do more than attract
we flatter each other
no matter what form
whether soaking into bread sheets
or standing stil our souls reach out and we meet
so i guess i'll take you up on that offer and be the jelly you need.

talk about predicting the future.
okay i'm done for now.

i'm baaaack

i kno i've been gone for a while. i was in new zealand and australia for a week and a half but i'm back now. a little jet lagged which is why i 'm writing at 5am lol pictures will be posted soon don't worry. you will be updated =]

today went to the teen vogue fashion show w. aaryn danielle & mommy #2. got free shirts another plus (+) kinda boring but after that we went to rubio's [for the first time] so gooood. left my cam at home =/ came home and missed so you think you can dance =[ but will & comfort got kicked off. how will got kicked off i don't know. that is jus ridiculousness! have you seen that man and the way he dances????

exhibit a::



exhibit b::

Lost one!!...

it seriously does not matter if you are religious or not. this poem is overly bomb. it's not bomb because it's for Christ or God. it is what it is because of its content.

don't add on

long. but worth seeing

o-ba-ma

ahh!!!!

first cavity filling tomorrow...kinda scared do those things hurt??

so yea the day at melrose bought a new journal...for poetry
idk if i'm gunna post all of it bt here's something

open your eyes to the realness of reality
just open them & you will see
breathe in the fresh sense of achieving although life's no bed of roses
yet it is up to you to keep believing.
belief, a word that requires courage
(you kno like the lion)
hear me roar into the infinite silence
because i used to be silenced.
covered with the muzzle that restrained me from reactionary movement of my lips
now my lips flap free without restraint,
yet sometimes i refrain from truly saying what i mean because i truly don't believe,
(you remmeber, like that lion)
can achieve what i ruly want that's meant to be.
what is meant to be?
to be free?
free of the muzzle of the lips
that no one takes control of?
free of the chains upon my wrists
that no one wants to take notice of?
the chains hold me back from touching upon the subjects of reality.
chains, shackles, whatever they are meant to be, they are not letting me be.
be what is intended because fate goes along with destiny
and no on can make my destiny but me
Although i talk with my free flowing lips,the subjects still haven't been touched
not grasped, but slipped right through my fingertips like sand because they are forbidden
Forbidden not to one but all.
Taboo, another word.
No not the game, but similar in it's likeness.
in a sense we are not allowd to speak of it but we tip toe around it like the big elephant in the room

"unnoticed"

as always

i was with aaryn =] gotta love her
went to the grove...talk about interesting night. some ppl are very opinionated. that night stayed up watching hip hop vs. america x baldwin hills x the boot
awkward silences when some ppl were over and tlked til 4 in the a.m.

*sigh* good times..

the next day was melrose x thrift shops x hollywood & vinee i got aaryn hooked on the vintage ahah